Miss Me Not Chapter 3

“Hey Con. Can I call you that? Well, I… I guess it doesn’t really matter anymore. I should have asked earlier.” The words went through my head like a bullet then lodged in the centre of my brain. ‘I should have asked earlier.’ They resonated. I wish I had spoken to Charlie earlier. Maybe then he would still be alive. Tears sprung into my eyes, my throat closing over. I gave a strangled half-sob, half-choke, wiping at my face with my sleeves then blinking away unshed tears. I had hardly known Charlie, so he was not mine to grieve, right? What right did I have to be sitting here crying, to have a video note and a freaking laptop left just for me?

“Listen, Connor. This isn’t your fault. Please, don’t think there was anything you could have done. What’s happened has happened, and there’s no reversing it. It’s not your fault. There was nothing you could do.” The words send more bullets into my head and chest, burrowing into my heart, my brain, permanently burying themselves into my memory. It was a good thing, what Charlie was saying, right? Then why did it hurt so much?

“Why do you have to be like this?” Mum. Yelling. Crying.  Panic attacks

“All this because of you.” Screaming. Cursing. Kicking. Guilt.

“Why do you only think of yourself? Just get over it already.” Shame. Confusion. Self-loathing. Frustration.

Disinfectant hurts. Alcohol and/or other chemicals activate the receptors, causing the skin around a wound or cut to sting. The disinfectant is cleaning the injury out, contributing to the process of healing it, but it stings when applied, especially when you don’t usually bother to use it, when you usually just let the wound fester and infect. Even though in the long run, that hurts more.

Oh, right.

That was why.